I'm Sorry, I really am

Please Read Carefully.

I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I'm a jerk. I've always being a jerk. Since I've been a jerk for all my life, all the past and current mistakes I've done to each and everyone of you is because of my stupidity. I'm not going to hide my flaws anymore or should I say you've already see them all. I'm the biggest procrastinator you've ever met that even made your studies more difficult to handle; during group work and so on. I'm the biggest sissy you've ever met since I try to put the blame on someone else and ignore what I've done wrong. But the most crucial part of me hurting everyone is my big annoying mouth.

Before meeting all of you, I know there's something wrong with my communication skills. But I didn't know what I said was so wrong that made everyone so offended. Was it something I said or something I didn't said? I noticed as time pass, how we treat each other became different; I was scared of what was the matter. I was even more scared if I didn't know my flaws I would continue to hurt your feeling more. But that still happened anyway because of my slowness; my selfishness not getting to know everyone of you better. I didn't realize what I did or say would hurt anyone if since they didn't say anything in return. I took that kindness for granted by not saying anything to hurt me in return. It was all not to make me feel bad.

I became to think too much and take initiative to isolate myself since I didn't know what I've done wrong and nobody would tell me. I thought isolating made me feel better by not hurting anyone with my so-called-honest-opinion. But the pressure of not expressing myself got the better of me and I would tend to "post" stuff online to make me feel better but on the other side of the story, another person is hurt. I thought it was okay since my stupid posts aren't getting any feedback. I was feeling secure due to the fact, "Maybe it's OK still if I just be myself."

Somebody asked me what is being myself is to me; I thought it was the freedom of expression. I want to believe that what I thought is what I did but after lots of thought, I was wrong. When I reflected myself in the past and the present; I'm still the old annoying person who can act so proud when there's nothing much about myself to be proud of. I'm still this average person who makes all these mistakes; thinking 'I'm just human', and didn't give a second thought what others might think. Sometimes I think I'm the kind of person who has a personality crisis - TAKDE PENDIRIAN TETAP. Always bouncing to one conclusion to another. When the solution is clearly; "I've done something wrong; I need to apologize." "I wasn't there for him/her, I wasn't being supportive." "I didn't clearly explain myself; that's why they are not talking to me." That's why everyone is ignoring me now.

I'm not asking much. I'm not even asking for the impossible like to turn back time. Now, from the bottom of my heart, I apologize to all my friends from Group 1B for hurting your feelings. Sorry Ain, for making you feel like the bad guy in my past post. Sorry to Nabihah and to Bazilah for taking lightly of your advices. I'm a person who needs to change and I should know better that changing isn't something simple as ABC and how serious my situation is. I'm sorry to everyone on of you from the top of the list; Afina to the end of the list; Shadiqah for not knowing you guys personally. I'm been the worst classmate you've ever had to deal with this semester. I know we still have less than 3 weeks being a Group and you can ignore me all you want, but I just want to let you know: I'm really sorry for not caring how you guys may feel for what I've done all this time. I'm still just another messed up person not knowing how I manage her life properly in University. Not knowing how to be a Good Friend.

I'M VERY SORRY.