I'm alive

Yes I am. Going back to school was.... word out of vocabulary. Can't explain.

I can still remember the first expression I got from the first day I stepped into class. "Mak aih? Hidup lagi ke?" Really, !@%#$. Make sense some things are still the same. Though a drastic change made a difference to this ubberly crazy school I go to.

Lots of new rules are put into order. As a prefect, got to keep on my toes. Now that I am in Form 5, nothing gets easier. I realized, we're not children anymore even if I wished I can still be the same old me, I'm alone.

There is something aching inside of me, I don't know what. I feel terribly unhappy how my mind keeps on hurting and turning every corner. Acting all strong and happy when I can't accept lots of things around me. That's reality. I'm my reality, I'm alone. No one truly understands me.

I wish to run. I wish to hit somebody. Am I really a bad person? Is there actually no one to help me? Or even save me? I'm stuck without a choice. Nobody to truly speak to.

I'm limited in what I do though I have lots of things to do.
I'm limited with words, even though I have lots to say.
I'm limited with thoughts, though I have lots to think of.
I don't know what to expect.

First week of school, great enthusiasm. Everything was on the go with a great load of work. I've been on duty without realizing I'm actually slacking off. Honest. I was paralized within action. If you actually understand that. No?

Second week, lots of new rules were made up as the prefect body had to put into a lot of work and it seems like my Squad to be the first to actually pull it off. Gah! Loosing my old status in the Scout society, I gained a new one in the Sofbal team. Guess it yourself. Not proud of it.

Suprising night, my block was haunted for the first time this year malam jumaat. grr. I only got 2 hours of sleep that night but I was happy to have my homework done for the next day finish at least. But for the homework before this, I got scolded for not having them done. Sucks tahap maxima.

I feel sad and a bit lonely for not having long talk with my friends at school. Friends who are close to me. I feel kinda distant with them now. It was when only they finally some of them actually smile or even wave to me, I felt a little less lonely.

Okay, random post. Not in order. Just putting in some emotion.